After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
