you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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