Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Sext me about skeletons
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
