i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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