Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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