Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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