Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize