and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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