Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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