We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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