How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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