i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize