Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
