i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
