She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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