I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
