i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
