Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
