Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
