haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I cannot find my penis.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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