Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
