My Higher Power is John Stamos
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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