I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
