just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
