i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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