i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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