She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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