So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
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Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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