whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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