you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
