He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
