the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize