I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
accomplished twins. life is a go
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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