Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
sarcasm needs its own font
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
