I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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