Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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