you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
