Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
