I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
