you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
