he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i permit you to call me
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
