Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
