I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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