Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
