I am in a vortex of obligation.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i will never coherently bang her
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize