my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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