Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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