Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
