She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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