do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
accomplished twins. life is a go
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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