If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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