Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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