My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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