I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
