we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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