today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
