It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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