I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
