my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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