Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
