Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
