My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
