hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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