ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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