i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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