Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We're too hungover to prance.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
