I will die if light touches me.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
babies were throwing up all over the place
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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