Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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