I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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