just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
