The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
