he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
