Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
