im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
